I’ve battled with anxiety for the longest time, but it comes in phases and the last time it was this bad was in 2012. I sat on my little res room bed trying to talk myself up and for the life of me I couldn’t. All I could do was just cry and beg God to save me even if it met taking my life because the fear had paralyzed me. This morning I had a similar moment and again all I could do was cry, beg God to rescue me as the walls felt to tight and the ceiling too low.
But today I did something I never did, I attempted to call my best friend (she didn’t answer, it’s a good think though because I wouldn’t have been able to articulate what was actually happening) and then I considered calling my mom which I also didn’t do, finally I managed to get of the floor and I immediately went into my bible app. Actually the reason I got of the floor was because I got a notification from the Bible app and this verse popped up (image below). And, something in me rose up and I said God this doesn’t feel like it good or there’s any victory.
I sat on my bed read Psalms 121 then started a plan on the YouVersion app as I always do, but after reading I still didn’t feel better, even as I write this blog I don’t feel better. There’s something about my secret battle with anxiety (not so secret anymore) that has caused me to ask many questions like why aren’t people talking about what I’m going through, why aren’t there how to’s for my situation and I’ve been blank until today and I just remembered that only you are ordained for your journey and the assignment God has for you.
You’re probably thinking like I’ve been for the longest time how can anxiety and fear be an assignment, because honestly what can you do about it and if you did anything. How would you even start and honestly I don’t have answers but I’m just going to start by choosing to live every morning, talking back to the fears, confronting the anxiety and maybe writing everything that wants to stay in my mind and cripple me with thoughts that it doesn’t get better or that it’s just the beginning of the end.
I’ve learned that even the end is a blessing because something new can’t begin until something old ends. I don’t have the answers, I don’t know if I get the victory I’ve been praying for, I don’t know if I’m not going to have another panic attack what I do know is I’m choosing to believe Gods word that even this is working together for my good and that I can live as long as I still want to and choose to regardless of how I feel.
I hope this blog gives you a heads up and lets you know that you aren’t alone and that it’s okay not to feel like living as long as you don’t let the feeling convince you that you don’t dersvef to live and that where you are is where you end up.
Because to be very honest with you after 2012 I let NMMU and went back home attempted to dive back into what I believed would make me whole and not face why I had to leave PE but the rest of 2013 I was at home, worked at my moms shop, the gossip and made up stories piled up but I got a new lease of life, my spiritual life got better, I learned so much about my family and myself and then I went back to school in 2014 I started my BCom law studies and I finished in record time with a great average too. Today on the floor of my apartment I felt like I’ve achieved nothing and I will amount to nothing because my LLB studies aren’t going the way I imagined they would but what makes my smile a little and got me of that floor this morning is that I’ve been through this before and it didn’t kill and I was much younger and more impressionable then and I had a scratchy relationship with God, surely at 27 I know better and I can rise even from this because “ALL, THINGS ARE WORKING TOGETHER FOR MY GOD” and still I rise.
This is not the end of my journey but maybe it’s the end of a part of my journey. 🤷🏾♀️