Even when the clouds surround you.

I’ve battled with anxiety for the longest time, but it comes in phases and the last time it was this bad was in 2012. I sat on my little res room bed trying to talk myself up and for the life of me I couldn’t. All I could do was just cry and beg God to save me even if it met taking my life because the fear had paralyzed me. This morning I had a similar moment and again all I could do was cry, beg God to rescue me as the walls felt to tight and the ceiling too low.

But today I did something I never did, I attempted to call my best friend (she didn’t answer, it’s a good think though because I wouldn’t have been able to articulate what was actually happening) and then I considered calling my mom which I also didn’t do, finally I managed to get of the floor and I immediately went into my bible app. Actually the reason I got of the floor was because I got a notification from the Bible app and this verse popped up (image below). And, something in me rose up and I said God this doesn’t feel like it good or there’s any victory.

I sat on my bed read Psalms 121 then started a plan on the YouVersion app as I always do, but after reading I still didn’t feel better, even as I write this blog I don’t feel better. There’s something about my secret battle with anxiety (not so secret anymore) that has caused me to ask many questions like why aren’t people talking about what I’m going through, why aren’t there how to’s for my situation and I’ve been blank until today and I just remembered that only you are ordained for your journey and the assignment God has for you.

You’re probably thinking like I’ve been for the longest time how can anxiety and fear be an assignment, because honestly what can you do about it and if you did anything. How would you even start and honestly I don’t have answers but I’m just going to start by choosing to live every morning, talking back to the fears, confronting the anxiety and maybe writing everything that wants to stay in my mind and cripple me with thoughts that it doesn’t get better or that it’s just the beginning of the end.

I’ve learned that even the end is a blessing because something new can’t begin until something old ends. I don’t have the answers, I don’t know if I get the victory I’ve been praying for, I don’t know if I’m not going to have another panic attack what I do know is I’m choosing to believe Gods word that even this is working together for my good and that I can live as long as I still want to and choose to regardless of how I feel.

I hope this blog gives you a heads up and lets you know that you aren’t alone and that it’s okay not to feel like living as long as you don’t let the feeling convince you that you don’t dersvef to live and that where you are is where you end up. 

Because to be very honest with you after 2012 I let NMMU and went back home attempted to dive back into what I believed would make me whole and not face why I had to leave PE but the rest of 2013 I was at home, worked at my moms shop, the gossip and made up stories piled up but I got a new lease of life, my spiritual life got better, I learned so much about my family and myself and then I went back to school in 2014 I started my BCom law studies and I finished in record time with a great average too. Today on the floor of my apartment I felt like I’ve achieved nothing and I will amount to nothing because my LLB studies aren’t going the way I imagined they would but what makes my smile a little and got me of that floor this morning is that I’ve been through this before and it didn’t kill and I was much younger and more impressionable then and I had a scratchy relationship with God, surely at 27 I know better and I can rise even from this because “ALL, THINGS ARE WORKING TOGETHER FOR MY GOD” and still I rise.

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This is not the end of my journey but maybe it’s the end of a part of my journey. 🤷🏾‍♀️

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Facing My Truth

The scary thing about the truth is that, it always comes at you side ways exactly the way its coming at my right now in the wee hours of the morning while I do an assignment and watching RedTable talk – an assignment I shouldn’t be doing if I did it right the first time 😢– but that has really been my 2018 and dare I say a large part of my life. Difference is that sometimes I really get away with it and sometimes I sink so deep I cant pull myself out and I need divine intervention.

What the point of this whole blog, 🤷🏾‍♀️ after months of not blogging, and I’m sorry, not sorry ( (lol, I wont lie and say I’ll do better because I probably won’t post again for months)  💆🏾‍♀️it is what it is. The point of this blog is to face my truth. Which is scary for me because I live for perfect images and forced smiles leading to interactions I could really do without, but I do it all because facing the truth that maybe this isn’t what I really want even though its perfecting what’s acceptable and what I’ve been brought up to want or maybe let me take responsibility and say its easier to want because its more comfortable and I get to keep my safety net. Strange thing is that this year I’ve fallen in love, okay let’s say I’m choosing to fall in love and its scary and its forcing me to face my truth. Like who is Sthandwa, what do I want, who will I be, am I moving in the direction I want or am I programmed to move in this direction? I don’t have these answers and its scary but apart from the scary things we are told about growing up and falling in love – love is an aphrodisiac – one that forces you to really look at yourself and I’m not talking about just falling in love with someone else, but being in love with yourself and wanting to share that love with someone worthy of receiving it.

If you’ve read my previous blogs you’ll note that I’m a fan of half-truths especially when the truth stings too hard of the truth exposes a flaw (because I’m perfect, 🤣what a joke, my darling) my flaws scare me so much because I’ve been chasing perfection for so long in the hope that I find joy, even though I know joy isn’t a place it’s a constant decision. Back to haft-truths, so I’ll share a testimony but I won’t share all of it, I’ll just share the parts that I believe warrant a round of applause, stealing from the truth of my stories because a half-truth is better than a lie right? 🤪🙄

The truth is I’m perfectly imperfect and its okay, I’m not sure if what I wanted 5 years ago is what I still want today or its easier to want that because consistency is a branch of perfection. I don’t know if I still believe in the things I believed in before I had the experiences I had when I first started believing what I believed. Does this mean that im fickle and unstable? Well, let me tell you a few months ago I would have said yes, but who are we if we aren’t always evolving and starting over and stealing from even those experiences that threatened to devastate us?

How am I facing my truths now? Some days im still running, lol who am I kidding most days., taking long naps hoping to wake-up to the life ive always imagined would get me to my place of happiness but then on some days like today im asking myself who am I if not true to my flaws, fears, hopes and weakness. Im still in pursuit of who I am in a state of unbothered joy

Because, baby I’m still a rose. Still a rose — a288d42a-d0ac-40d9-8068-7cdc33204d5f

Signed

Facing her truth  🧚🏾‍♂️

Confronting the PAST Letting the PAST go

Wow, I haven’t written in forever, judging from how I started. Can I even still write. so todays topic is a bit tough for me really, because as much as I would believe I love sharing or I am an open book, I doubt I am. I generally what you call an avoider LOL I always hope for the best while really doubting the best will happen and even though I try so hard to stay positive its one of the most difficult things for me because I am a pessimist. I’ve been so scared of failure, so much so that my failure haunt me long after they have passed and over shadow my successes (not many…but I am constantly reminded I have them). when I was a child I had big dreams and at that stage of my life I believe I didn’t doubt I could achieve any thing I put my mind to, but sadly I didn’t foresee that life pushes right back when you push and that the road isn’t smooth sailing and im sure if you’re reading this your thinking, well duh 🙄 of cause life isn’t easy. but you see I grew up in a Christian household and as a child your belief and fears are directly related to what you’re taught, so I believed if I had enough faith, obey God and my parents and had strong morals and didn’t deviate I would have EVERYTHING I ever dreamed of and I would be the talk of the town and maybe the envy of those who didn’t see me or rather didn’t see me in the image I portrayed.

Lets jot down a list of everything I thought I would have by now:

  1. I would have 2 degrees and busy with my 3rd (masters, and as much as I’m afraid to say this, it didn’t matter what degree it would be but I would be the talk of the town and my parents pride.
  2. I would be planning my wedding to the love of my life, who would have been my first boyfriend (so you can imagine, whoever my first boyfriend was, he would be just perfect and BE THE ONE)😱
  3. I would have the greatest career and amazing life and I would testify to everyone who would listen that life can be amazing and go according to your plan😅
  4. Everything would be worth it.
  5. And finally, I would never hurt or feel uncertain

Now,lets go through what I am at this present moment as I write this:

  1. I have one degree that I obtained years later than I had planned and I am busy with my second degree that’s really testing my self belief and dare I say this my faith. and quite frankly sometimes I so unmotivated I just want to run away
  2. I am single and trying to figure out why I’ve only had one solid relationship that wasn’t even that great but taught me so much and still whining over the guys who could have been but never should have been to start with.
  3. I don’t have a career, I hope to start next year but I am so afraid I can’t breath. I want to start a program of some sort to help teach people but I doubt anyone will listen, so I keep hoping for it.
  4. I wonder of any of it has been worth it
  5. And finally, I’m uncertain and hurting.

Sad tale above right and maybe a year ago I would have been crying as I wrote this. I would have cried not because I failed but because my parents wouldn’t be disappointed, no one would look at me and say oh wow she’s amazing and mostly I would cry because I look in the mirror and I don’t know who this stranger looking back at me because, surely I am not the one who dropped out, struggling to finish a second degree and let a bad relationship destroy my idea of a fairy tale. I would cry because I would feel as though God let me down and didn’t do good on his promise because I haven’t ticked out the items I wanted to tick of my list. I would cry because I’ve lost control and I don’t know how to get back on track and wanted a magic wand so I can get a do over.

The truth is I’ve had more do overs than most, I’ve loved and its okay that I haven’t been loved back the way I imagined I deserved to be, because love is about giving yourself to another because you have the ability to love, its not about coercing someone to love you because simply because you love them. so, I am not where I imagined I would be but I am exactly where I need to be to master this part of my journey. I imagined I wouldn’t hurt or feel uncertain but these two feelings are the exact reason I know I can love, keep going, stand again and hope one last time.

The past is tricky because whether you ignore it or romance it, it won’t disappear or yield different results unless you both confront it and let it go. I don’t know where I go from this place but I know I am not worthy of the future (and the present) I desire unless I confront the past and let it go. the past won’t let you go unless you let it go. its simple you will keep going around in cycles (the devil only wrks with what you empower him to), like me and you’ll cry the same tears, fear the same demons and travel the same road until you CONFRONT AND LET GO of the past. Forgive yourself, forgive the process and steal from the moments of joy and peace until you find your true peace.

Signed

Work I Progress

 

17 December 2016

I haven’t blogged in a while because really I was trying to find my voice again and I didn’t even know I was looking for it…In 2012 I went through something I thought would kill me, not so much in the literal sense as it would figuratively and it didn’t, so in 2013 just when I thought it couldn’t get worse Murphy’s Law was like hello yes it can 😂😂😂😂 I cried so many tears…a lot of things came to an end and some really had to and I accepted that but others I really didn’t want them to…I ended an already finished relationship and not because o wanted to but because I had give all that I could give and I was depleted, like leaving was the only option and I thought phew 😅 that’s done and I thought it was strength that got me out but as the years went by and finally this year I realized it had less to do with strength and more to do with I was broken and tried out…Like proper fashion I thought hey now I’m healed maybe I can give this a try and bam everything thing I didn’t confront then was presented to me again and this time I didn’t run, break or tap out I walked away and that was true strength see sometimes life will present you with the very same obstacles you flushed out of to show you that you did infact have the strength to finish and succeed. I learnt that God doesn’t want you to have half victories, half truth or half of anything, see He created you and He knows the stuff you’re made of and that’s why he says in His word ““No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.”
‭‭I Corinthians‬ ‭10:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
He knows that there’s is absolutely nothing in this world that is fashioned to destroy you not a failed relationship, not a failed dream, not a failed aspiration or even yourself, your life isn’t your own not even you can abort the plan God has for you.
In 2012 I left NMMU in my second year of study and I was crushed and didn’t see how I could start again. In 2013 after 1 semester I crushed out of Monash another failed attempt, earlier in 2013 I ended things with my first ever boyfriend. In 2015 my Godmother suddenly passed away and I for the first time truly felt the sting of death and I was mad because I thought like okay God what is this she lived right, she served you, lived for you and her kids are so young, moral of the story I was learning that God is still God even when life is confusing . In 2016 I reconnected with my best friend and met amazing people but most importantly I met my Sthandwa Mergem Nhlapho. I realized a few things:
1) I love God and I love being born-again
2) I love my family with everything inside of me
3) I want to be successful
4) I want to fall innocent but he must be sold out for Christ, passionate, attuned with authentic faith, have courage and be firm and it’s okay if I don’t meet him when I set out
5) I’m not thirsty for the ways of this world and that’s not weird at all
6)I want my life to stand for something more than myself
7) I want my parents to be crazy proud of me
8) I want my brothers to step into greatness and Please the Lord
9) I want my parents to achieve all that they desire and dream new dream
10) It’s okay to be me

And in 2016 I finished my BCom Law degree…I’m officially a graduate 🎓😅🎉💃🏾 just a step closer to being an attorney and if it hadn’t been for the lord who was on my side phew 😅 I fret to even think of where I would be. To end this post God hasn’t forgotten about you or your dreams…“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.”
‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:11‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
This isn’t just a verse to me it’s a testimony.

Seasons Greeting to you all ❤️️🎁🎈

Let everything that hath breath praise Him

When I was younger and much into my adult years that has just began, I always hated being the first person to wish people a merry christmas or even extending a greeting for and season we were in at the moment I hated the norashin of always giving because I allo Esther I believe I had to always be on the receiving end. So I stop sending those greetings or even making an effort to love on people, because I failed to fill myself up and when I didn’t get back what I believed was mine a seed of bitterness was planted 😁😩 I was angrier more often than not no suddenly greed took over and gratitude slowly faded away. I was in competition with everyone with everything…

This isn’t a sad post trust me and read skittle further. To cut a long story short, at times when you are on the giving side and it seems you are never on the recieving end you miss the joy of giving and shining light on someone else, sometimes that greeting is the only Jeaus encounter they have had. Giving is not a earthly transaction, giving is what you do because you’re overflowing and must release to make room for the next season?

So this Christmas Day giving selflessly without expecting but rather because you understand that you are overflowing and have to make room for the next season.

Merry Christmas to everyone…Last years Christmas was a little brighter and didn’t carry the burdens of 2015 but nothing can compare to the blessing of the season and why we rejoice, with great loss follows great gain. Sometimes God takes the thing you believe you can’t live without because it’s not ordained for the next season…Christmas is a time to celebrate the people in your life and give them the gift of your sincere time…Be merry today and remember the reason for the season…💝🎄🎀💋                                                                      ————————————————————————“For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.”

‭‭Isaiah‬ ‭9:6‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

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 My family and I earlier this year, actually right at the beginning 🎉💋😍

Signed

I love you and remember that no matter what, keep it moving 🎀

Let everything that has breath praise the Lord

Praise the Lord. Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens. Praise him for his acts of power; praise him for his surpassing greatness. Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet, praise him with the harp and lyre, praise him with timbrel and dancing, praise him with the strings and pipe, praise him with the clash of cymbals, praise him with resounding cymbals. Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord. (‭Psalm‬ ‭150‬:‭1-6‬ NIV)

When things seemed so broken. I didn’t feel like praising God but I learned quickly that praise not only confuses the enemy but praise reminds your spirit that God is still on the throne. I always only knew that there was one God and there was nothing he couldn’t do and I honestly wanted to believe it, I prayed to believe it but my heart was not in the right place. I made a place of mourning in my mind and I fed the demon of self pity. My spirit was starved and my mind was well fed in my then present circumstances I made my bed and I couldn’t
Don’t find my way put, until one day my mom said to me and I quote “baby, you can continue crying or you can start trusting that God has a plan for your life and open an avenue for him to reveal it”. So I spent a couple more days in mourning for dreams that seemed out of my reach now but in the morning I rose and began to dream a new dream. See when I was in my self pity pit, I was still praising I was praising the pains, fears and lost dreams.

We were born to praise and no matter what happens in life, we as man always find a way to our nature, so maybe we corrupt our nature but praising self pity or even sabotage our hopes by failing to see when something isn’t yours and end up sending time mourning for your neighbors seeds.

The verse I started this blog with was an incredible reminder that whatever, where ever, whenever and in every situation you have got to praise God. You better excite that spirit man in you because God is up to something. The kingdom of God is never bankrupt concerning you. God will get you where you are meant to be.

I’ve learned to trust God and allow Him to take the lead. I’m at a place in my life, I would have never been if it wasn’t for the Lord allowing my character to be sharpened, this is not to say I have at all arrived but I’m on the way. Whew God is mighty good. So as for me I will praise God, even if it in the hallway and no doors are open

****Learning to walk at Gods command

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My gift from God, my natural parents and spiritual parents 🙆💁🙆🙅💁

Ciao 2014

This picture (below) in a nutshell explains how much change I went through this year. God showed me so much favour, I made some tough decisions but it’s in no way decision I would have made, had it not been for the Lord who got me here, my amazing parents who never stopped believing in me and praying for me. 2014 has been good to me. I gained so much this year, that all that I’ve lost in the past year or past years seems to be so futile. And as for me I will serve the Lord always.I look forward to all that God has in store for me in 2015.

Ciao 2014…embracing 2014 with all it will bring, because God can!

So in 2011-2013 I experienced heartbreak haha its funny now but then I did t know I’d get over it and this year I did. I lost some fake friends thank God that mess is over. I left NMMU while in my second year, stayed home for a year. I went through a minor depression but I made it through, so this years blessings meant the world to me. God is great and whatever you’re going through God is the answer. I’m a living testimony that he will give you a blessing for your lessons. God is a wonder and I’m glad I get to be His project.

I’m so looking forward to all God has in store for me.

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